Hiding the Basement
By Chris Jones
In the previous article, we examined Compulsive-Entitled Sexuality (CES) — the DST model’s way of understanding the sexual or relational behaviours that take place inside the secret sexual basement.
Now we turn our attention to the second behavioural system identified by the model – the behaviours that serve to hide, protect, and maintain the secret sexual reality.
This system is what we call Integrity-Abuse Disorder, or IAD for short.
Breaking it Down
Because this concept is so crucial to the model — and often under-addressed in traditional treatment — I’ll be breaking it into two parts:
- Part 1 (in this article): The specific behaviours potentially involved in this system
- Part 2 (in the next article): Why we define this system as a form of abuse
Let’s begin by revisiting the metaphor that grounds this whole model.
The Secret Sexual Basement and the Need for Deception
I’ve previously introduced the image of a person building a secret sexual basement beneath the family home to illuminate the two-part problem of deceptive sexuality. Remember, the person who has built the basement must also consciously engage in a system of deceptive and/or manipulative behaviours in order to keep it hidden from those people in the home above. In the original metaphor, we expressed it like this:
He covers up the entrance as he enters and leaves, hides any evidence of the basement, and tells his wife that she’s imagining things if she wonders where he keeps going…
This behavioural system — the one that keeps the basement hidden — is the core of Integrity-Abuse Disorder.
If we think of Integrity-Abuse Disorder as a system of behaviours being used to keep the basement hidden, it will generally follow that one of the primary motivations is to protect the individual who’s engaging in the basement by enabling them to avoid of the consequences of their actions.
This system is therefore prioritising self-protection at the direct expense of the partner, the relationship, and the wider family system.
Different Phases of Integrity-Abuse
Within the DST model there are 3 distinct “phases” of deceptive sexuality that we identify. In this article, we’re going to look at two in particular, and explore how the integrity-abuse behaviours might vary between them:
- The Covert Phase – When the secret sexual basement is still hidden
- The Exposure Phase – After the secret sexual basement has been discovered
Let’s look at each in turn.
Behaviours in the Covert Phase
During the covert phase, the person maintaining the basement is actively engaged in hiding its existence. This may last for months, years, or even decades, and by its very nature requires deception.
Common behaviours in this phase include:
▸ Lying and Lying by Omission
This includes both explicit lies (answering questions dishonestly) and implicit deception (failing to mention significant truths). In relationships where the partner has no suspicions, lying by omission is particularly prevalent — the absence of the partner asking the “right” questions means that the person maintaining the basement is never required to explicitly lie.
▸ Gaslighting
Both direct lies (perhaps in response to a partner’s suspicions) and lying by omission become forms of gaslighting when used to intentionally alter the partner’s perception of reality. Over time, this undermines the partner’s trust in their own instincts and experiences.
▸ Cover-Ups and Hiding of Evidence
This might include deleting browser histories, hiding bank transactions, inventing alibis, or destroying evidence. These are intentional efforts to avoid detection and continue the secret behaviour undisturbed.
▸ Manipulation of the Partner
This might involve collusion with friends or family or manipulating situations to facilitate opportunities to act out (e.g. encouraging her to spend time with friends so that he has time alone to spend in the basement.)
▸ Social Misrepresentation
Part of the compartmentalization in the covert phase is often a social misrepresentation of the self – particularly in terms of the values that one is living by. This can be part of the manipulation by making it appear inconceivable that the person could be engaging in a secret sexual reality. This is often particularly prevalent with religious or moral convictions that are affirmed in the home and in public, but then directly contradicted in the basement.
Behaviours in The Exposure Phase
Once the basement has been discovered, the behaviour often changes — but rarely disappears. In this phase (generally speaking), the primary goal is no longer secrecy, but damage control and narrative management.
Common behaviours in this phase include:
▸ Partial or Staggered Disclosures
Also known as “trickled truths”. The individual reveals only what is necessary — drip-feeding information in response to new discoveries, rather than disclosing the full truth.
▸ Minimising and Rationalising
They may play down the significance of what happened, justify their actions, or frame the events as “not that bad” in order to reduce perceived consequences.
▸ Continued Deception and Denial
Even post-discovery, many continue to lie, revise history, or manipulate facts — especially when the partner doesn’t yet know the full extent of the behaviour.
▸ Blaming the Partner and Adopting the Role of Victim
Some may shift blame to the partner or to the relationship itself. Others adopt the role of victim — portraying themselves as the one who is hurt, misunderstood, or being unfairly attacked.
▸ Pathologizing the Partner’s Reactions
A common defence tactic is to portray the partner as crazy, unstable, or overreactive — turning the focus away from the harm caused and onto the partner’s emotional response.
▸ Lack of Demonstrated Remorse and Empathy
Because the person may be gripped by shame, panic, or fear, they may be unable — or unwilling — to demonstrate genuine remorse, empathy, or compassion for their partner’s pain.
▸ Aggression
This may include verbal abuse, intimidation, passive aggression, or other behaviours that help the person maintain power and control.
▸ Stonewalling or Avoidance
The person may shut down and refuse to speak or engage with the partner – particularly when the basement is mentioned. This type of avoidance is often driven by a desire for self-protection.
The Bigger Picture
When we step back and look at the function of these behaviours, two themes become clear:
- Avoidance of Consequences
There is a consistent effort to avoid facing the real-world consequences of their actions — both emotional and relational. - Manipulation of Truth
The person seeks to manage the narrative, minimise damage, and reveal only what they must — rather than pursuing full truth and repair.
The Cost to the Partner
When a partner is repeatedly lied to, manipulated, or gaslit, the effects are devastating. The task of rebuilding their reality after discovery is traumatic in itself, but trying to do so while still battling lies, blame-shifting, avoidance, and the various other behaviours we’ve identified in this article simply compounds the harm.
Partners are often left wondering:
- “What’s real and what isn’t?”
- “Who is this person I thought I knew?”
- “Will I ever get the full truth?”
This is not just a breakdown of relational fidelity — it’s a breakdown of reality itself.
Why It Matters in Treatment
Understanding Integrity-Abuse Disorder is absolutely central to the DST model — and to effective treatment. Traditional sex addiction or CSBD treatment often focuses almost exclusively on the sexual acting out – which is a very important part of the work that’s needed – but potentially leaves a dangerous blind spot.
Many partners will describe the lying and deception as equally (if not more) damaging than the hidden sexual behaviours in the long run, so it’s incumbent upon the person that built the basement to identify and change these behavioural patterns if they’re hoping to provide any safety and stability for their partners. As practitioners, it’s therefore also incumbent upon us to be fully aware of this when we work with clients presenting with deceptive sexuality, otherwise we risk colluding in ongoing harm.
In short, safety and stability are very unlikely – and therefore healing cannot happen – unless both systems are addressed: CES (what happens inside the basement) and IAD (what keeps the basement hidden).
Where We’re Headed Next
This article has introduced the types of behaviours involved in what we call integrity-abuse disorder. In the next article, we’ll take a deep dive into the most challenging part of this term: the word “abuse”.
We’ll explore why the DST model uses the “A” word — and why acknowledging the abusive nature of these behaviours is important.
If you’re interested in learning more or would like to explore support options, please feel free to get in touch.