Living With Trauma
By Chris Jones
In the previous article, we began exploring Deceptive Sexuality Trauma (DST) by distinguishing between two key types of trauma: acute trauma and complex trauma. Acute trauma often occurs at the moment a secret sexual reality is discovered, while complex trauma can develop over time through repeated patterns of deception and manipulation.
In this article, we will explore the acute trauma in more depth — particularly the psychological and physiological responses that often occur after experiencing this kind of trauma.
The Collision of Two Realities
As a reminder, in the previous article I used the metaphor of a car crash to describe the experience of discovery.
When a secret sexual reality is revealed, two realities collide:
- The manipulated reality the partner has been living in — shaped by deception and concealment.
- The actual reality, which includes the hidden behaviours and the secret sexual basement that only the person maintaining it knew about.
When discovery or disclosure occurs, these two realities collide suddenly and violently, much like two vehicles crashing into one another. The psychological impact of that collision can be profound.
Another way to visualise this was to imagine the house above collapsing into the basement below. The home that the partner believed represented her reality suddenly falls into the hidden reality beneath it. This image helps capture the sense of destruction and disorientation that many partners experience.
This is far more than simply learning about something painful or disappointing. For many partners, discovery represents a shattering of reality itself. What they believed to be true about their relationship, their partner, and sometimes even themselves is suddenly called into question. The cognitive frameworks and emotional safety structures that once supported their sense of stability may collapse in an instant.
When a person experiences this kind of impact, it is both normal and to be expected that significant distress and trauma responses will occur.
Understanding Trauma Through the Lens of PTSD
To understand these responses more clearly, it is helpful to look through the lens of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). By briefly reviewing the clinical criteria for PTSD, we can gain a deeper understanding of how acute trauma often manifests.
According to the DSM, PTSD generally includes several key elements:
- Exposure to a traumatic event, typically involving actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence.
- Intrusive symptoms, such as distressing memories, dreams, or psychological distress when reminded of the event.
- Avoidance, including efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or external reminders associated with the trauma.
- Negative changes in thoughts and mood, including persistent negative beliefs or emotional states.
- Changes in arousal and reactivity, such as hypervigilance, irritability, or sleep disturbances.
Partners experiencing deceptive sexuality trauma often display many of these symptoms. The primary difference is that deceptive sexuality does not generally involve a direct threat of death or physical injury so it generally won’t meet the formal diagnostic threshold for PTSD. However, the psychological and physiological responses can still closely resemble those associated with PTSD.
Intrusive Symptoms
Triggers, intrusions, and re-experiencing are some of the most common and distressing trauma responses that a person suffering from DST might experience.
The terms trigger or triggered are overused in many ways nowadays (often used in response to ideas that the person disagrees with or is offended by for example). In clinical terms, however, a trigger has a far more specific meaning. Triggers are stimuli that activate a trauma-related response by reminding the nervous system of a past traumatic event.
Triggers can take many forms. A person might see, hear, smell, or experience something that activates a memory associated with the trauma. We can also consider intrusions – the times when there’s no external trigger, but perhaps an intrusive thought about the traumatic event occurs.
The critical part we need to understand in order to fully grasp the impact of traumatic triggers and intrusions is the concept of re-experiencing. It is not simply the case that a trigger or intrusion reminds the person of the traumatic event – It actually leads to a subjective re-experiencing — meaning they relive aspects of the event emotionally and physiologically.
This can involve:
- Intense emotional reactions
- Physical sensations associated with fear or distress
- A surge of nervous system activation
When someone is re-experiencing a traumatic event, the nervous system often shifts into survival mode. The body may enter a state of hyper-arousal associated with fight, flight, or freeze responses.
In the context of deceptive sexuality trauma, triggers can arise in many different ways. For example:
- Seeing someone who resembles a person involved in the betrayal
- Visiting locations associated with the acting-out behaviour
- Watching romantic or sexual scenes in films or television
- Hearing specific names or references connected to the secret behaviour
Because the scope can be so broad, partners may find themselves encountering triggers frequently in everyday life which can become an extremely debilitating experience and make day to day functioning difficult.
Avoidance
Given how distressing these triggers can be, it is understandable that many people develop strategies to avoid them. Avoidance can occur internally or externally.
Internal avoidance
Internally, individuals may try to suppress thoughts, block emotions, or disengage from painful memories. In some cases, this may involve forms of psychological numbing or denial as a way of coping with overwhelming distress.
Some people attempt to manage these feelings by distracting themselves through increased use of technology, television, or social media. Others may turn to alcohol or other behaviours that temporarily dull emotional pain.
External avoidance
Externally, individuals may begin avoiding situations, locations, or people associated with potential triggers. Social activities may become difficult, and environments that once felt safe may now feel threatening.
This can create a difficult dilemma. If someone tries to continue living normally, they may encounter frequent triggers that reactivate their trauma. If they attempt to avoid those triggers entirely, their world may gradually become smaller and more restricted. Over time, this constriction can lead to a loss of social connection and activities that previously brought joy or meaning.
It is important to recognise that these reactions are not signs of weakness or pathology. They are understandable responses to overwhelming psychological distress.
Negative Changes in Thoughts and Mood
Another common impact of trauma involves significant changes in beliefs, thoughts, and emotional states.
Many partners will experience persistent negative beliefs about themselves, their partner, or relationships in general. For example, they may begin questioning their own worth or attractiveness, wondering whether they were somehow “not enough”. There may also be intense rumination about the hidden sexual reality as the partner attempts to piece together what actually happened.
Emotionally, the discovery of deception often brings profound grief and loss. The relationship the partner believed existed may feel as though it has died. Many individuals describe mourning not only the relationship but also the version of reality they once trusted.
Other common emotional responses include:
- Deep sadness or depression
- Anger or rage
- Anxiety and panic
- Emotional dysregulation
- Loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities
Changes in Arousal and Reactivity
The final cluster of trauma responses involves changes in nervous system arousal and reactivity.
When the nervous system remains in a state of high arousal, individuals become extremely sensitive to potential threats. Given that one of the primary sources of harm with deceptive sexuality is the lying and manipulation that has occurred, one common expression of this hypervigilance is an extremely low tolerance to any signs of deception.
As a result, even subtle cues may activate alarm signals in the nervous system. A change in his tone of voice, body language, or any perceived inconsistency on his behalf can trigger a significant level of suspicion or fear for the partner. A person carrying this kind of acute trauma is therefore on edge a large proportion of the time, which can lead to a high level of reactivity.
Common signs of heightened nervous system arousal include:
- Irritability or anger
- Increased reactivity
- Hypervigilance
- Exaggerated startle responses
- Difficulty concentrating
- Sleep disturbances
It’s also important to note that some of the symptom clusters we’ve looked at here can interact with each other and form something of a vicious cycle:
- Intrusions and triggers lead to traumatic re-experiencing
- Traumatic re-experiencing leads to heightened nervous system arousal
- Heightened nervous system arousal leads to hypervigilance to perceived threats
- Hypervigilance leads to an increase in intrusions and triggers
The result can be a persistent sense of instability and lack of safety.
Looking Ahead
The reactions described here are normal responses to acute trauma. Unfortunately, they are often misunderstood or pathologised — particularly when people fail to recognise the traumatic nature of deceptive sexuality. We’ll dive into this deeper in the next article, examining how these trauma responses are frequently misinterpreted, leading to forms of victim-blaming that further compound the harm.
We will also consider why safety becomes the most essential condition for healing. When someone’s nervous system remains in a state of hyper-arousal, it’s almost impossible for meaningful healing to occur. Understanding this principle will be central to the path forward.
If you’re interested in learning more or would like to explore support options, please feel free to get in touch.