The A-Word
By Chris Jones
In the last article, I began exploring the concept of Integrity-Abuse Disorder (IAD) as part of the Deceptive Sexuality and Trauma model. I looked in detail at the patterns and behaviours that help keep the secret sexual basement hidden — deception, manipulation, gaslighting, and other controlling dynamics. In this second part, I’m going to take a closer look at the word that often provokes the strongest reaction: abuse. Why do we call it integrity-abuse disorder?
I want to acknowledge from the outset that what we’re discussing here may be difficult for some readers. Whenever we begin using the word abuse, it’s normal for strong emotions to emerge. For some, this topic will bring discomfort or defensiveness. These are expected reactions, and I invite you to stay curious as I unpack this material.
What Comes to Mind When We Hear the Word “Abuse”?
Let’s start by asking ourselves what we picture when we hear the word abuse. For most of us, the immediate associations will likely be physical or sexual abuse. If we narrow the focus to intimate relationships, we might also think of psychological abuse such as coercive control. This can include patterns of behaviour like restricting a partner’s contact with friends or family, controlling finances, dictating how he or she dresses, verbal abuse, threats, and so on.
All of these forms of abuse have a common thread: power and control. They result in one person having power over, or control of, another. That core idea — control — is essential to understanding why the DST model defines the patterns of deception and manipulation that hide the secret sexual basement as abusive, even when they may not initially appear to be so in the more overt or obvious ways.
Deceptive Sexuality as Covert Control
In the last article, I emphasised one of the primary goals of the deceptive sexuality system: to keep two realities — the secret sexual reality and the intimate partner’s reality — separate. This is accomplished through systemic deception and manipulation, including lies, half-truths, minimisation, gaslighting, omission, and more.
What this means in practice is that the partner’s reality is being intentionally manipulated – she is living in a false reality because key information is being hidden from her. In most cases, this deception occurs not once, but repeatedly and systemically over a prolonged period of time.
We can think of this separation of realities as a form of covert control. The partner cannot make fully informed decisions about her relationship or her life because she is not being given access to the truth. Whether we are talking about the decision to stay in the relationship, to be sexually intimate, to raise children together, or to invest emotionally, spiritually, or financially into the relationship, those decisions are compromised if she’s being denied crucial information about her reality.
Put simply, when someone manipulates another person’s reality in this way, they are exercising power over them. This may not be the same type of power we associate with physical violence or coercive control, but the outcome is still a form of control that disempowers the partner.
Abuse Without Intent?
Understandably, one of the key objections that people who have engaged in deceptive sexuality may raise when first encountering the term abuse in this context is “But I didn’t mean to harm her.” This is where the conversation gets more nuanced.
For many men I’ve worked with, the primary motivation behind the deception was not malicious intent, but rather shame, fear, or a desperate desire to avoid the consequences of their sexual behaviours. That means that, in many cases, there was no conscious desire to harm their partner, however this doesn’t negate the fact that they were still engaging in covert control and still doing so intentionally.
The person was making deliberate choices to protect themselves, to avoid discomfort, or to maintain the status quo — and those choices come at the expense of their partner’s fundamental right to know their reality and the reality of the relationship. Even if the intended goal was not to harm, the impact is the same.
Dealing With Reality
This can be one of the most challenging areas to navigate in the early stages of treatment. The person who maintained the secret sexual basement may feel highly uncomfortable with the term abuse, because it feels incompatible with their self-image or their perception of their intentions. Meanwhile, the betrayed partner may feel so deeply hurt and destabilised by the deception that she finds it impossible to believe that the harm was not intentional. For the men I work with, doing the “ego-work” to reconcile this reality becomes a critically important clinical task.
It’s crucial to also remember that naming this behaviour for what it is — a form of abuse — is not about demonising the individual. It’s about taking seriously the impact on the partner and making visible the hidden power dynamics that perpetuate this type of harm. It also makes sense that, if a core part of the harm caused by deceptive sexuality is the manipulation of reality, then a core part of the treatment should be dealing with reality as it actually is, rather than reality as we wish it were.
Why Abuse Language Matters
Recognising these patterns as abuse is also more than a semantic choice — it is a clinical and ethical imperative. If a therapist or treatment provider fails to see and name the covert control that is taking place, they are likely to miss the full scope of the harm being done. That has implications not just for the individual in treatment, but also for the partner and the wider family system.
If integrity-abuse behaviours are still occurring — if reality is still being distorted or manipulated — then the power imbalance is still in place. The partner is not safe. Attempts at couples work or reconciliation are also likely to fail or, worse, heap additional trauma upon the partner.
On the other hand, when we name these behaviours accurately, it allows for a clearer understanding of the partner’s trauma. It also helps us understand why her tolerance for any further dishonesty — even if seemingly minor — may be extremely low, and why rebuilding trust is a difficult and delicate task.
Back to the Two-Part Problem
In the interests of being as clear as possible about this topic, I also want to emphasise that betrayal itself is not automatically abusive. If someone violates the fidelity agreement of the relationship but immediately confesses, owns their actions, and allows the partner access to the full truth, then that is still extremely painful and damaging, but it is not manipulative or abusive. What makes this DST dynamic abusive is the manipulation of reality – the deliberate choice to hide, mislead, and control the flow of information in a way that disempowers the partner.
This is why it’s so important to always remember that the DST model is highlighting and describing a two-part problem. The harm caused by the sexual infidelity itself is crucial to understand, but if it is hidden, protected, and maintained through systemic manipulation, then we also have an integrity-abuse problem, and that requires a different kind of treatment.
As I reflect on what I’ve covered in this article, I’m aware that this can be a very uncomfortable topic. It challenges both clients and clinicians with hard truths, but I believe there is something profoundly healing in naming reality — in breaking through the silence and distortion that allowed the harm to thrive. Only then can we begin the true work of recovery, restitution, and repair.
What’s Next?
In the coming articles, we’ll begin to explore in more depth how the secret sexual basement impacts the partner, and the specific kinds of trauma she might experience when her reality has been manipulated in this way.
If you’re interested in learning more or would like to explore support options, please feel free to get in touch.